Over New Year, as we crept in to 2015, my children and I had been very ill with a flu epidemic. I ended up with pneumonia that not only landed me in hospital for 4 days, but it also nearly killed me. But that wasn't the cause, that was the effect. You see, being on the Spiritual Entrepreneur's path my life has been a roller coaster of harsh, but totally beneficial, lessons. I was nearly raped, was in the London bombings, have had a nervous breakdown (as a result of the attempted rape), been bankrupt, had post natal depression, I could go on and on and on. But if you know me in real life, you would never guess ive been through so much. Because I learned very early on in my life, that I had an important job to do here on the planet and everything I go through is just training for that role. So I take it on the chin, laugh instead of crying and generally role with the punches. Whenever life knocks me down, I always get back up, thank God for the lesson and move on with a smile on my face and a skip in my step.
So, the reason why I ended up nearly dying was my own fault. Whaaatttt? How can getting pneumonia be your fault I hear you say. Well for months I had been trying to find my path. You know, that one role in life that lights you up. Artist paint, writers write. But i've got so many talents and so much experience I still didn't know how the hell it all fits together into a marketable role and I felt, in my heart and bones that there was still a huge (and hopefully final) lesson I was still meant to learn. So I whispered a little prayer, 'Whatever it is, bring it on. I'm ready for whatever you need to throw at me.' Ohhh be careful what you wish for!
48 hours later I woke up suffocating! At hospital in the A&E, with my Mum trying not to cry at my bedside, I knew everything would be ok. 'But Claire, your so ill?' my Mum said, face streaked with fear and worry. 'Look Mum, it's just another lesson. Im going to be fine' and I pointed to the tiny white weather that was lying on my chest.The same white feather that hadn't been there all day despite the fact that I hadn't moved from my bed for 16 hours. So that's what this post is about. Not what I went through, but what I learned (or rather what I forgot. I'll explain in a minute)
So after the Pneumonia kicked my arse, I ended up bed ridden, even breathing was agony and as I slowly got better I suffered with chronic fatigue syndrome. So I basically spent 3 months in bed. Which for someone as driven and hyperactive as me (Im pretty sure I have ADHD too) this was hell! But during that time, I realised I had tried everything to find my path, everything except doing absolutely nothing. And so I was forced to learn the Art of Surrendering!
As soon as I stopped trying to figure out my life, it all started to flow. I remember watching Tony Robbins on Oprah talking to a crowd of 3000 people and thinking wow, i'd love to do that. And my second thought was, Oh i couldn't do that (hello frightened little lizard brain) so my third thought was, Why the hell not?
And I swear within a week at least three different people said to me, 'You should be a motivational speaker, your really good at helping people' And as soon as I thought, 'Mmmm with all my experience maybe I should go into coaching?' my friend mentioned he had a family friend who he thought I should meet, he was a life coach and he'd offered to meet me for a chat, free of charge. As soon as I had given up looking for my path, the universe literally plonked it in my lap. As soon as I realised I needed to surrender, I got my health back and found myself training as a Master Life Coach with the International Coaching Academy.
Buuuttttt, what a naughty girl I am! Because I forgot. This huge, massive life changing event that nearly killed me. Yeah, I forgot the lesson. So guess where I am now, two years later? On a Universal time out.
Yep you guessed it, im back on my arse stuck in bed! #facepalm so what went wrong? I started pushing again. I got so wrapped up in all the wonderful ways I can market myself, find my niche, do this course or that one, learn this skill to help me do this so people can find me online, but ahhh I don't know how to do that and this doesn't feel right and on and on and on round the merry go round I went. I wanted to get to my office every day because I LOVE what I can do, I feel peaceful in that space and I want to reach out to people and I so desperately want to help and ive spent £7k in the last 2 years investing in myself but it was always just out of reach. Because I forgot. I forgot that the universe is conspiring to help us. That as we put our dreams and thoughts into action there is a massive spiritual team behind you going noooo don't go that way what are you DOING? or going Yey she's finally recognising our signs YES #fistpump keep going, keep going your on the right path and we're all right behind you!
But in the last 6 months I didn't see the signs that it was time to stop pushing. When we had to pull our 7 year old son out of school because they weren't supporting his needs. It's ok, I said, I'll home school him, i've got my office we'll make it work (we didn't) Or when my husband Tonny had to have knee surgery which left him unable to sleep and in agony for months all while he is trying to finish his final year at Uni and his Psychology dissertation project. (Stress anyone?) Or when my little girl said, 'Mummy, I made a wish to my guardian Angels to put a baby sister in you're belly because I've got two brothers and I really want a baby sister' I was 5 days 'late' so I did a pregnancy test and what do you know, I was pregnant with baby no 4. But I still didn't see the warning signs that it was time to shrink, not expand. Life is a tide, it ebbs and flows and instead of enjoying the movement, here I was trying to hold back an entire ocean of change wtf? Even when I suffered pregnancy exhaustion and ended up in bed yet again, it didn't twig. Did I stop pushing then? Did I sh**e. Do you know what I did? I bitched and moaned and wined that I was frustrated at being cooped up and I wrote a book on how I cured my chronic morning sickness. Then my Dad died. Suddenly, tragically. But did I think of myself? Nope, within an hour, despite being pregnant, I got a lift of a friend and made a 340 mile round trip to be there for my brother. Because he was there when it happened and I knew he wouldn't be able to cope. He needed my help and I went running. And I didn't stop running until the funeral was taken care of which has completely wiped out our saving (were emigrating to Canada) so I felt like it was back to square one yet again.
But shortly before then, i'd had a huge AHA moment. I read an article about my close friend and fellow coach who was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 42 and boom, I found the reason why I am awesome at multi tasking, why I thrive on stress, why I NEED to be going ten to the dozen all the time because I friggen love it! I thrive on it. After reading the article im 99% certain I have ADHD too. But it's not debilitating, for me, it's more like a super power. (read the article here http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-4409646/What-s-REALLY-like-woman-ADHD.html) So I push and I push and while I didn't make myself ill or burn out (for once) despite all the stress of the last 6 months because i've become massively resilient to stress. Well with a life like mine you have to be. But the Universe said enough is enough misses, you need a time out.
So, at 22 weeks pregnant I started haemorrhaging. A lot. Scary shit. But the stupid thing was, id already been to hospital 3 times with bleeding in this pregnancy! I've got Placenta Previa, a potentially dangerous condition where the placenta lies across the cervix. Stupid, stupid stupid women. Why didn't I see the warning signs then? Because I forgot my lesson. I wasn't surrendering I was pushing. The more things the universe threw at me the more determined I was to get some work done. Because it fills me up, I thrive on it and I love it. It makes me happy, it's my form of escape from dirty nappy's and the boring day to day stuff we have to do like shopping and bills and dirty dishes. And we are told constantly: Do what lights you up thats where your calling is. Yes, for some people thats true. But not for me. The more I try to control things and adapt to change the less control of my destiny I seem to have.
So my Universal Spirit Guides kicked my legs out from under me yet again. Like a hyper active kid, I needed time on the naughty step to calm down and think about what i'd done. I was in hospital for four days. The first day was hell, I was scared of loosing my baby of going into early labour. The second day I was bored and complaining. My inner tigress was starting to prowl looking for something to keep me occupied (other then tv, my book and facebook) but then my husband pointed out, Queenie, what are you running away from except your own thoughts? By mentally moving so fast I am not giving my brain time to think. Ironic really. So by the third day I started to relax. To enjoy being in a quiet room with nothing to do but snooze and rest and read a good book.
But the universe has put me on my arse well and good, for the next 17 weeks. I am anaemic due to the blood loss so am tired all the time. I've been in bed most of the time since I got home. I even had to miss my Dads wake. Id stopped bleeding by that point and in the past I would have chanced it and gone, pushed my boundaries yet again. But I can't do that now. I can't risk going into early labour because so far, thank God my baby girl is ok. She's still kicking, still enjoying her nightly summersaults while I sit and ponder this lesson again.
And do you know what I've learned this time around? That the universe is lining everything up for me. It has a WAY bigger plan for me then what i've been trying to work on. While i've been waiting for things to come to me I've been thinking, well while I wait for that, I'll just do this. But what I failed to realise was that I had filled every minute of every day. And by doing so, I left no space for better things to flow. It's like writing. If we don't leave spaces, our message becomes jumbled and incoherent. While I'm constantly trying to chase my dream lifestyle and cope with the day to day task of raising three small children, one teenager and being 5 months pregnant, with a husband drowning in his final year university work, I forgot that the only job I need to really do is be still and open to receive. Don't get me wrong, you still need to do the work and learn your lessons. But think of it this way. You get a catalogue, flick through it and work out the pro's and the con's of what you want, will it do the job, does it suit you, is it a good fit for what you want and need. Once you've figured all that out you place your order. And then what happens? It gets delivered to you! You don't have to go out chasing the mail man, you just kick back and wait for it to turn up and of course sometimes it takes longer then expected. Patience is the key. But if your like me, then thats a damn hard lesson to learn which is why we must learn to surrender.
I had a dream last night (which inspired this blog) and in it I received a very clear message. The Universe is lining everything up beautifully for me but just as it gets things into alignment, I move again, so it's like the universe is trying to hit a moving target. One of my clients (and long time family friend) is quickly becoming a hugely successful street artist. He too has been through a massive uplevel this year and when I told him how frustrated I was at being house bound again he laughed and said, 'Queenie, it's like when you go to the supermarket with your kids. The universe is trying to get you all the things you need but you keep getting distracted by everything else along the aisles. Stop trying to pull away, and learn to be happy being lead'.
So i'm making a conscious effort, every day, to not fill up every minute. To actually take the time to rest and recharge. To not catch up on work by buying more courses or watching more podcasts. Don't get me wrong I will do a little bit every day, because that's who I am, it's part of my nature and it's written in my DNA. But what we really need to learn is to keep space and time available for us to breathe and to grow. That is the nature and the art of surrendering. To being open to what is being brought to us, to stand (mentally) still and find our inner peace, to just be and not do all the fucking time. Which is hard when you have kids and even harder when you can't mentally switch off. Which is why Surrendering is a lesson to be learned. It doesn't come naturally to some of us so practice, revise ann whatever it is your chasing, let it go. Something better is waiting to fill its place.