Battle Fatigue and Why life is shit right now

 So there are many times in a Lightbears life when you think, ‘I just can’t take any more of this shit’ and then, of course, the God’s laugh and throw something bigger at you. And it’s tough. It sucks. Big time. I’ve always had big life lessons (Have you read my About me page yet?) but this is different. And that’s what I wanted to talk to you about this week.

The last time I went through a huge uplevel was back in 2007. Not long after I was in caught up in the London bombings, in the space of two years, I was nearly raped, my childhood friend died suddenly age 29 after being on life support for 5 days, I lost my job (as result of the rape), had a mental breakdown, was unable to find work because the economy crashed, lost my business investments and my home, found out I was pregnant, had several miscarry scares, had to declare bankruptcy, was in labour for 68 hours, got traumatised by one of my doctors which resulted in a forceps delivery; the trauma of which left me with post natal depression.

But it wasn’t just me. At that time, everyone seemed to be going through hell .The whole world had an energetic wake up when the economy crashed. People were taking themselves out of the game by committing suicide. It seemed everyone knew someone who was dying of cancer. Honestly there were so many people (particularly light bearers) who went through hell. And it seems to be happening again. 11 Years later, in a 11 year (2018 = 2+1+8) you can learn about how I got stalked by the number 11 here

But it’s not just me. The whole world seems to be going psycho again.  America is like a bad episode Jeremy Kyle. And it would be funny if it wasn’t so terrifyingly similar to Hitlers Nazis regime; Peaceful religions are being dominated by lunatics who are hell bent on taking over the world. The planet is dying as we poison it on a daily basis. Honestly the world seems to be one gigantic mess. But as the saying goes, “So what. Who cares?” we’ve all got a sob story to tell, right? And to be honest I really couldn’t be arsed this week to reach out to you. I spent a rollercoaster 10 minutes on Sunday hiding in the bathroom sobbing like a lunatic. And I never cry. I just didn’t get it. I felt so confused. One minute im fine and the world is great. Next minute I’m bipolar and I felt like I just couldn’t take this shit any more. I normally do my blogs on a Sunday night (UK time) but I just couldn’t be arsed this week because how can I give hope to others when I feel broken myself? But here we are, 2 days later. I pushed on because I know it’s not just me going through this shit.

Lots of my clients right now are teetering on the edge of emotional meltdowns. Their lives are a rollercoaster. One minute your fine and the world is this beautiful amazing place and next minute you feel like your drowning and every time you think you can catch your breath, another wave comes crashing down over your head.

So what I want to say is this: It’s ok. You’re not alone. There are many of us the world over going through what you’re going through right now. It’s ok to feel lost or feel like you’re drowning.  Or that you can’t take it any more. (And that’s bloody hard to admit when you’re a strong person) But it’s going to be ok. Yes it’s overwhelming, yes it’s traumatic and yes sometimes you feel like your heart and chest are going to break with the pain of it all. But its ok. Because I promise you. It’s for a damn good reason, even if you can’t see what that reason is right now.

 Yes your world is crashing down around your ears right now. Why? Because you can’t build a new future on unstable ground. Everything around you is being razed to the ground so you can start fresh!

Remember the Phoenix? It doesn’t fight the fire. Yes it hurts like hell when you’re going through it, but that’s the point. Having been through pain beyond endurance (Not just 68 hours of labour. I’ve been through pain worse than that) I can tell you, when you’re in pain, when you are CONSUMED by it, it burns everything away. And it doesn’t matter if it’s physical pain or mental pain, current hurts or remembered ones; it burns everything away. When it hurts so bad that you can’t even breathe, the pain literally strips you bare; until all that is left is YOU.

My pain, my traumas, they set me free. I know who I am at my core. When everything was taken away from me, when there is nothing left to give, I learned who I am and what I’m capable of. Not many people reach that level of self awareness. Because with that pain comes a confidence that is unshakeable. And it lit me up. I’m like a beacon in the dark now. And this pain that you’re going through now, this heartache, it will set you free.

Yes it hurts like a bitch. It won’t kill you, but it will break you. And that’s the point. Please just trust in the process.

If you’re a strong person you will feel like you are being hit with wave after wave of shittyness. Probably all at once. BECAUSE THAT’S HOW MUCH IT TAKES TO BREAK YOU! Because you need to reach a point, not were you give up (if you’re like me you’ll never let that happen) but were you’ve just got no more fight left in you. Were you’re battle fatigued and you can no longer swing back. That’s the point were the magic happens! You are not meant to fight the tide. You can’t win against the ocean. When we surrender the fight, when we no longer have the energy to swim but refuse to sink, then my friend and only then, will you let the tide carry you.


My Gladiator tattoo. Done after I was nearly raped in 2006. It was inspired by the film the 300. They went to war not because they wanted to. But because it needed to be done. It’s my little reminder that I’m stronger then I think I am.

The Invictus was added this year. When I heard the Invictus Poem (By William E. Hensley) it was the second stanza that called to me

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This poster can be purchased at